Monday, 29 August 2011
The problem of trying to be and actually being happy is feeling like utter shit afterwards. I've finally let go of my guilt complex only to be reminded what an obsessive fool I have been to treat others like garbage on several occasions and to be treated unfairly too, allow it, dismiss and forget it like it is no big deal.
It's kind of funny being so sad and about to explode that despite crying, everything is laughable because making sense in a senseless world only proves what a fool you are. Waiting for something that is never going to happen is just wasting your time when you can be spending it with someone else, some place else and be more productive and worthwhile.
At the moment, I'm just nauseous and sick of getting headaches, throwing up and the feeling that my arteries are going to burst after clogging up. I've already lost 5kg in one month. I'm happy with my current weight (lol i r fat girl, huge ass and fat face = gross) but maybe if I lost it through constant exercise it would have been fine. Also I am incredibly needy and paranoid... like I want to talk to some people at the moment but they're busy, better not bother them. And how am I going to start the conversation? "I r f33l liek cr4p, h4lp 4 j3w pl0xXz". That's the way the conversation always goes!
Aiming to get better in less than a week, got a wedding to go to on Saturday. Though I don't really feel like going anymore, things are just going to be miserable. Hrrrrrrn this is why I don't have close friends, lol, i r so bloody indecisive.
Sunday, 27 March 2011
EXTREMELY delayed with blogging lol, not going to go in lots of detail of everything that has happened in these two months but I write a lot anyway lol so most likely it's going to be in detail regardless. I went out somewhere nearly everyday during the holidays, but I'll leave most of them out from here. Actually, I think I forgot some things that have happened these two months, might have to revisit this entry if I remember something important, haha.
From 2009-2011, entering the new year has been memorable. 2008/09 was spent at Darling Point for my aunt's 60th birthday party; the view was brilliant, watching the fireworks and being in such fun environment. 2009/10 was fast paced, leaving London to go to Barcelona in the morning (by plane). Spain was the second country to visit on my first major holiday, and it was the first time in my life to watch sunrise. It made me very happy and I took it as a sign for change, and in retrospect, many things changed from that day on. 2010/11 was the first NYE/NYD where I didn't feel lonely because I celebrated the occasion with friends (Joshua and Cameron), who are basically family anyway. We didn't do anything extravagant but it was different being with people for the whole day, no one arguing and people were actually happy (by myself the previous years although there were people there). LOL during the new year countdown, Josh literally jumped to the new year while I ran back to help Cam as he was about to trip lol (FFVII reference lol reminded me of the very beginning of the game when Cloud helped Jessie as the Mako Reactor was about to blow up lol).
After two years, a high school group reunion (yes, including YJ xD) was organised by Fuu. It was difficult in the previous months as everyone was so busy, but it pulled off eventually. Amazing after two years and several mishaps here and there, we all got along so well and it wasn't awkward despite the differences and maturity of us all now.
Feb 12, late meeting up with Josh and others in the morning, an extremely wonderful day, good reminder why I love my friends so much :D Went to Racha's birthday party later that evening, it was a great night although it was sad because only Josh and I turned up :/ until two others showed up after 11, it sort of made Racha happy.
Tropfest 2011 with Josh, Cam and Mia was good except I was being a whiny bitch who made things worse... the day could have been better, I'm sorry for dragging you all down.
February 10 = Friendship Day (tradition began February 10, 2010). People are strange- on a daily basis, if insulted, people feel depressed and insecure; if complimented, people may feel insulted and insecure or like the person complimenting is too friendly or trying to hit on the person they're complimenting. Story of my life lol to the people who ever felt that way but are still considered worthwhile in my life, merry friendship day! I'm still learning to become a better friend and I've stuffed up a lot recently, but I will make it up to you all (I said this a few months ago... not much has improved until now. Or at least I hope so :/ ).
My pre-birthday was fantastic, managed to get a dinner organised by Fuu ;) We went to Jazushi (it's been more than a year since I've last been there). Being the noob that I am, I forgot to bring my camera and forgot to straighten my hair and wear make up LOL what's new, it's like that every other day but still, dinner date with Fuu? Want to look my best haha. Dinner was fabulous, it's too delicious to describe here... honestly, I would have described in detail everything about the meal and get my food critic days back on again however my cravings will go out of control when I begin to remember the tastes of the meals (5 course meal, oh yeah). Food would have been a good replacement for the lack of words but as I have already mentioned, I did not bring a camera, although Fuu did so I might upload pictures later. Being a restaurant that also plays LIVE JAZZ in such a cozy environment, it's no wonder Jazushi is my favourite restaurant (lol I do not work there and I am not a [paid] promoter). Outstanding covers played by the jazz triplet were "My Funny Valentine" and "New York, New York". Seriously, my favourite genre(s) of music being played, dinner with one of my closest friends of more than 10 years at my favourite restaurant the day before my birthday. I also got a necklace (Thomas Sabo) with an Eiffel Tower charm on it (Paris was one of the best cities I've visited) and other things which I will not write LOL. I'm still overwhelmed with happiness from everything (haha, reminiscing at the moment), I want to write something but I can only think of the most simplest words possible: Thank you, Fuu, for being an incredible friend, sister and everything else to make life more complete :)
Thursday, 03 March 2011
"A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so dramatically that he remakes it in his own image" - Didion.
"If there's a book you really want to read but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it" - Toni Morrison.
People like to quote other people because what they have said or written relates to their current situation, their frame of mind or what they want to obtain (idealism).
The reason why I have been unhappy was because I had problems- those that were real (fact) and those that weren't (fiction). When life became too complicated, I imagined myself flying through cloudless blue skies and watching sunsets from hills or down by the seaside to relax and be calm. What I did wrong was not share these with anyone who would have listened and be glad to be there, and I mistreated those people.
The reason why I continued to be unhappy was because I was afraid of being happy (Charlie Brown Syndrome?). It's quite the paradox: I want something but I don't want that something to happen. I've spent most of my childhood and adolescence being sad- time was wasted being this way. Since turning 20, my moods escalated and I lost control, hurting the people who mattered most and almost losing them.
It's impossible to be happy everyday but I'm going to aim to smile at least once or more times a day. The idea is completely foreign but smiles can be understood in every language.
Thursday, 10 February 2011
In some countries, February 14 is not known as "St. Valentine's Day" but as "Friendship day" (or a name similar to that) where one celebrate their friends and family. Before learning this, I've officially started celebrating this day on February 10. Looking back last year on that day, I didn't know that that event would be a catalyst for my relationships with people, those I know and would eventually meet. Admittedly, I became selective in my friends and were good to the ones who were equally good; the others I fell apart with.
Perhaps it hurts more when realisation hits- being betrayed, gossiped about, used, teased because I look like the fragile type to be easily taken advantaged of or am not quite the same, knowing that our relationship will end soon because of all these factors. However, one must always look on the bright side- the people who were there through all the pain and hardship, and the silly, fun and heartwarming moments. When I wanted to give up on life, I didn't want to give up on these people- I want to protect them and be with them (physically impossible but spiritually, of course) and cherish every moment, past, present and future.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Making more than 20 copies of your resume with the wrong contact number. No wonder I haven't found a job in the past two months. This is both LOL and unLOL.
But mostly LOL.
Related to dream jobs, however, I've been reading articles online (mostly published in APA and BPS journals) and writing (later scrapping) reviews from restaurants I've been eating at during the holidays.
Reading articles online? Whenever I can, I would like to subscribe (yes, pay!) to several journals. I don't think my parents would mind paying for journals though if I receive a few journal series in hard copy, my mother, especially, would complain that it's taking up too much space; thus, I would need to get rid of books I don't read or refer to anymore. True, there are a few I haven't even read let alone looked at but there's sentimental value to some. It's like a letter or an sms (that's well written and heartfelt). It brings on lots of memories, mostly cherished ones and think of what the future would be like if you hang on to that thread for as long as you can. Then again, it would be truly valuable to oneself if one day the letter or sms, or in this case book no longer existed in physical form yet the information, memories and current thoughts obtained carried on. I don't know if that makes sense, I'm trying to give up being so sentimental about things (not just books).
Writing restaurant/food reviews? I definitely lack sophistication and the art of being cohesive. Grammar and punctuation errors. "Nine thumbs up"? I fear I will end up like Homer in The Simpsons season 11 episode "Guess who's coming to criticize dinner." Benji II (the cutest toy poodle in the world :3) will assist me with adjectives.
I miss how close I used to be with some people. Most of the time I become depressed thinking about it, and how I was responsible for several outcomes or situations that "could have been." It's hard to just snap out of it when there's no solid answer thus it keeps me wondering and distancing (and pissing off) me and other friends. In some cases, there's nothing I can do about the situation, and it was their choice becoming the person they are today.
I've never been so angry at myself and other people as I have now. Person A trying to manipulate and twist things so I turn against Person B because I'm gullible and one to be easily convinced. Sadly, it worked for a while though I've chosen not to believe anymore. Same with Person B. We were drifting apart before we officially broke up as friends and most of the things said and done did hurt slowly (when you ignored and bitched about my friends behind their backs; raving on about the importance of embracing my Asian heritage- good to an extent, though when I went on about being Australian and European, I was a race traitor. Fuck being "Eurasian", it's quite like being a Protoss/Zerg Hybrid- it's some hellbound race which shouldn't exist).
Angry arguments are never coherent. Or cohesive. The feeling is bitter and it's leaving me physically weaker (than usual). The structure and content is poor like horribly written fanfiction.
I'd like to learn to become calm once again and leave my regrets behind. I didn't think of a New Year's Resolution (apart from the usual, which don't really count) so it is my ridiculous aim this year to become jazz and blues cool this year and make it stay that way for as long as possible.
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